80 Funny Jokes to Entertain Your Colleagues, Friends, and Family

Short Jokes

Short jokes are easy to remember, witty, and suitable for any occasion. You can memorize them or write them down in a small notebook or on sticky notes. You can send them as texts or include them in informal emails. They brighten up the atmosphere in teambuildings, start conversations on commuter trains, and entertain your carpool ride. Here are our favorites:

1. How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
   Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.
2. How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
   Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
3. What do you give a man who has everything?
   Penicillin.
4. What do rich people say when they tickle babies?
   Gucci, Gucci, goo.
5. What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
6. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
7. Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.
8. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
9. What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
10. Do you know how I’m sure we’ll be friends forever? Because we’re too lazy to find other friends.

Classic Jokes

You know that joke about the horse that enters a bar? Or the one about the Pope and the Rabbi? Or the one with the Irishman? These are classic jokes that owe their humor not to novelty but to style and patina. They are vintage, if you like, and make a good impression with any audience, given that no one in the audience is a horse, a Pope, a Rabbi, or an Irishman. Our top choices in the classic jokes category are:

11. A bear walks into a bar and says, “Can I have a … Coke?” The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?” The bear replies, “I don’t know. I was born with them.”
12. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?”
13. A man dining at a seafood restaurant asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time, there was this lobster …”
14. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
15. Yesterday, I couldn’t figure out whether someone was waving at the person behind me or me. In other news, I lost my lifeguarding job.
16. How do you get one-arm man down from a tree? You wave at him.
17. How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
18. Two sheep walk into a—baaaa.
19. Why did the orange lose the race? It ran out of juice.
20. Can February March? No, but April May!

Knock-Knock Jokes

Is anyone ever getting bored of knock-knock jokes? Right now, children and adults alike come up with knock-knock jokes around the world. No one has counted them, but there must be millions of them, right? Fun fact: we don’t know who told the first knock-knock joke, but we do know that one appears in Shakespeare’s play Macbeth, written in 1606. More than 400 years later, here are our best ones:

21. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Control freak.
    Contr—
    Now you say, “Control freak who?”
22. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    
    Harry who?
    Harry up and open the door!
23. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    
    Beets who?
    Beets me!
24. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    
    Lettuce who?
    Lettuce in. It’s cold out here!
25. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    
    Cash who?
    No, thanks. I prefer peanuts.
26. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    
    Annie who?
    Annie body gonna open the door?
27. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    
    Justin who?
    Justin the neighborhood, thought I’d stop by.
28. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    
    Boo who?
    Why are you crying?
29. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Owls say.
    Owls say who?
    Yeap!
30. Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    
    Bean who?
    Bean there, done that.

Clean Jokes for Kids

Not only do jokes for kids have to be age-appropriate, but they also must match their humor and knowledge. Sometimes, funny jokes for children elude you completely, while other times the audience is laughing with tears, and you don’t know why. If you seek nice jokes for kids, check out our top ten:

31. What did 20 do when it was hungry? Twenty-eight.
32. How much do rainbows weigh? Not much. They’re actually pretty light.
33. Why did the football coach yell at the vending machine? He wanted his quarter back!
34. What falls, but never needs a bandage? The rain.
35. Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
36. Why was six afraid of seven? Because 7-8-9.
37. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
38. What's a cat's favorite instrument? Purr-cussion.
39. What is the most popular fish in the ocean? The starfish.
40. Did you hear about the new squirrel diet? It's just nuts.

Funny Dad Jokes

Dad jokes are simple, corny, and intentional. Think little puns, wordplay, riddles, and fun facts that raise an eyebrow and make people smile. They are appropriate for both adults and children, in work environments, and at family gatherings. If you are out of material, here are our top 10 funny dad jokes:

41. What do you call a fake dad?
    A faux pas.
42. Where do penguins go to vote?
    The North Pole.
43. Why are most people tired on April 1?
    They’ve just finished a 31-day March.
44. Why aren’t lobsters generous?
    Because they’re shellfish.
45. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
46. What do you call a criminal landing an airplane? Condescending.
47. Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting? They always drop their needles.
48. I don't recommend entering a wormhole. You might get stuck in the apple.
49. Have you ever heard about the kidnapping at school? It's okay; he woke up.
50. What month is the shortest of the year? May; it only has three letters.

Silly One-Liners

Can you tell a joke in one line? Of course. It may be silly, but it’s nevertheless funny. It’s an icebreaker, for sure, something you say when an awkward silence appears or when you’re bored. Most of the time, silly one-liners come up when no one expects them or tries to come up with something funny to say. Read along with our nominees for the best silly one-line joke category:

51. I made a song about tortilla once, now it's more like a wrap.
52. I need two copies of the How to Solve 50% of Your Problems
53. I am afraid of speed bumps, but I’m trying to get over them.
54. I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner because it was just gathering dust.
55. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
56. Some people pick their nose, but I was born with mine.
57. I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
58. I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
59. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not too sure.
60. I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

Hilarious Food Jokes

Need something to talk about or joke about over a family dinner or corporate lunch? How about a food joke? It’s there, right in front of you; it’s a neutral subject suitable for all sorts of audiences; and it provides a broad range of topics. Yes, food has range, and so do food jokes. Whether you like to eat it or just joke about it, here are ten hilarious food jokes:

61. What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
62. What kind of candy do astronauts like? Mars bars.
63. What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear.
64. My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
65. What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.
66. A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie was everywhere.
67. Why do hamburgers go to the gym? To get better buns!
68. Why did the pie go to the dentist? It needed a filling.
69. Why did the dinner plate go to school? To get a little brighter!
70. Why did the tomato blush at the buffet? Because it saw the salad dressing.

Hilarious Quotes

All jokes have an author, although oftentimes the author’s name is lost. Jokes are transmitted orally and get transformed and adapted along the way. But sometimes, we know who said them first, which is when a funny joke becomes a hilarious quote. Yes, not all quotes are motivational. Some are just silly and fun:

71. “First, the doctor told me the good news. He said that I was going to have a disease named after me.” — Steve Martin
72. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” — Oscar Wilde
73. “One of the oddities of Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker.” — Dallas News
74. "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes." — Jack Handey
75. "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." — Albert Einstein
76. "I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by." — Douglas Adams
77. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age." — Lucille Ball
78. “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ― Robert A. Heinlein
79. “Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.” ― Paul Terry
80. “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” ― Groucho Marx