In Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, the need for belonging is on the third level, after physiological and safety needs. We are social animals and need to be part of a group, belong to a community, and get along with the people around us. However, getting to know people is not as easy as it seems. We are complex beings living in a complicated environment and subject to all sorts of social and psychological conditioning.
Asking the right questions at the right time may help us befriend a colleague or deepen our bond with a family member. It may help us create and sustain better relationships with managers, coworkers, neighbors, casual acquaintances, and even strangers. These questions are powerful, so read along to find out why and what you need to ask someone to get to know them and build a strong connection.
Getting-to-know-you questions have two primary purposes: to break the ice with someone you don’t know or know very little, and to bond with someone you already know. In both scenarios, these questions show you are interested in the other person and willing to get to meaningful conversations.
But asking a question isn’t solely about the other person and your relationship. It is also a lot about you. Asking questions feeds your communication skills, builds confidence, and helps you open up to people. It builds trust and a better environment for your relationships to thrive in. For example, asking your teammates deep questions may help you work better together, know each other’s strengths and shortcomings, and communicate better. Asking the right questions at a job interview may help you meet the interviewer/interviewee on common ground and relieve the stress of the interview.
Asking is as much about the one asking the question as it is about the one who answers. Timing is also important. What you ask and when you ask matters equally. Here are 100 questions to inspire you in every situation.
A thin line stands between asking a heartfelt question to get to know someone and being indiscreet or even rude. When you are in a new setting, don’t know much about the person you are speaking to, are unsure about the circumstances, or want to preserve a professional tone, finding the best questions to ask may be tricky. You can take the safe way out and ask only generic questions, or be true to your heart and ask deep questions that align with your values and mindset. The tone and body language are essential, too. The following ten questions are safe to ask in any setting, meaningful, and respectful at the same time. Use them to start a conversation and go from there.
Talking with your friends should be easy and direct. You can ask them deep questions and be interested in their feelings and history without worrying about being misunderstood or indiscreet. Getting to know someone deeper means discovering their childhood stories, fears, shortcomings, best moments, ambitions, and strengths. The following questions fit ongoing friendships, friendly conversations, and even informal discussions at work.
In informal settings, funny questions are what keep the conversation going. When you’ve gotten to know someone sufficiently, you know their favorite discussion topics, what type of fun they appreciate, and what questions they are willing to answer. Funny questions are ideal at parties, team buildings, during lunch or coffee breaks, on the daily commute, or even during the few spare moments between meetings or events.
Personal questions show your intention of genuinely getting to know someone. They should spark curiosity, fuel the conversation, and create a trustworthy environment. If you are not sure you are allowed to ask particularly personal questions, you can ask for permission or start the question with “If I may ask you this.” It’s nice to know people are interested in your life, but boundaries should be in place. Here are some examples:
There is nothing wrong with being curious about your coworkers and wanting to know them at a deeper level. However, asking the right questions is key. Consider your relationships with the people around you, how long you’ve known them, their background, and the overall benefits for your work environment. You may want to keep the more personal questions for peers and people you know for a longer time, and stick to generic questions with people you’ve just met.
No one wants awkward silence in a social setting; thus, these icebreaker questions are very handy. They are versatile and work well in any situation, allowing the conversation to flow freely and giving you a few ideas about what to discuss next. Icebreaker questions may be personal or generic, small talk or deep topics, funny or extremely serious. As a rule, don’t start a conversation on a topic you can’t handle, keep it light, and stay away from inappropriate subjects (e.g., politics, sex, discrimination, etc.).
These questions reveal what’s below the surface and look deep into someone’s soul. They are questions that address meaningful topics, such as religion, spirituality, philosophy, mindset, well-being, psychology, and moral values. The answers are never easy, but they are revealing. To get to know someone deeply, you must be prepared to be vulnerable, honest, and trustworthy. Read along to find out where to start:
Although relationships are defined by social interaction, they are also strongly influenced by human preferences. For instance, you can connect deeply with someone you barely see, such as an acquaintance. Even though you don’t frequent the same social settings, you can still have deep conversations on topics that are meaningful to both of you. So, don’t be afraid to ask the right questions.
Depending on the party, questions may vary from funny to profound. Regardless, a party is a good opportunity to get to know people in a relaxed and friendly environment. For example, you may want to ask more profound questions than you would typically ask at work. At a party, people prefer to discuss life and personality more and less about work and tasks. So, here are a few examples to get you started.
You may ask personal questions that cover topics such as personality, habits, and preferences; profound questions that cover topics such as philosophy and spirituality; and general, deep questions about life. From lifestyle to well-being, from relaxing activities to sports, from upbringing to the future, these are the topics that fuel conversation and allow people to get to know each other effortlessly. Here are our top picks:
We often think we only bring our best selves to work. But the truth is, we come as we are, with strengths, skills, weaknesses, and shortcomings. Furthermore, we spend almost a third of our adult life at work, amongst people we don’t choose, going from one group to another as we change jobs or get promoted. In this hectic ecosystem, deep conversations are highly beneficial. Not only do they help us understand the people around us and find ways to work with them better, but they also have the potential to create strong bonds and even friendships. Here are the main benefits of deep conversations and why you should consider having them:
Practice is key here, but there are a few things that may help you get better at asking people questions. The first one is to start from a place of honesty and empathy. People will sense if you ask the questions for the sake of it or if you care. So, instead of asking questions that seem to be the right ones, ask questions to which you want to know the answer, and listen compassionately to your interlocutor.
Finding the right time for the right questions is also essential. For example, ask work-related questions in a work environment and more personal questions in an informal atmosphere. You may also want to ask life-related questions during an activity. For example, during the lunch break, you may ask deep questions about well-being and lifestyle. Think about what you want to know about a specific person and then wait for the right time to ask.
Encourage your interlocutor to open and speak freely by personal example. For instance, you may answer the same question yourself or ask additional questions. Be curious, listen with attention, and encourage the other person to ask deep questions, too.
If you want the conversation to flow freely and pleasantly, remember that there are some things to avoid. For instance, some sensitive topics are better avoided. You are also better off by avoiding a negative attitude and conflict-sparking questions. To sum up, all the things you should stay away from are:
In a nutshell, the 100 questions we provide are good food for thought and cover every situation you may find yourself in. However, browsing 100 questions every time you want to begin a conversation is difficult. So, we did the work for you and came up with a set of only five powerful questions to help you navigate any setting and context:
Conclusion
Asking questions is the only way to understand and get to know each other. Your questions should be intentional and sensitive, coming from curiosity and empathy. When you seek to strengthen existing bonds or build new relationships, asking questions may help reveal shared values, lifestyles, and background stories, all valuable starting points for a deep connection.
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