Do you remember how easy it was to make friends when you were a kid? There were so many opportunities: at school, in the park, in front of your house, when playing a sport, when visiting relatives, and I could go on forever. All you had to do was ask the other kid if he/she wants to be your friend. Seems painfully easy now, if you look through the adulthood lens, right?
Adults not only have fewer opportunities than those described, but they also have settled routines and many responsibilities, so meeting new people and making new friends seems harder every day.
You shouldn’t dismiss the importance of making new friends as adults, because studies have shown that strong friendships play a crucial role in living longer, with adults being about 50% more likely to survive when they cultivate close connections. In contrast, having a limited support network or too few friends is similar to smoking 15 cigarettes a day or heavy alcohol consumption.
There is solid proof that having close friends will improve your livelihood and the quality of your life.
It’s now known that people who have friends and close confidants are more satisfied with their lives and less likely to suffer from depression.
In the following article, we will break down a few principles to keep in mind when starting to make new adult friends, and then we will discuss the most common actions you should take when facing this challenge.
Here are some general guidelines about how to act and what to do if you want to make a new friend:
And now let’s discuss the actual steps that you should take in order to facilitate the challenge of finding and keeping new friends during adulthood.
1. Make room in your mind and heart for new connections
One of the biggest issues is having the emotional drive and openness to invest in new friendships, since they require time, effort, and vulnerability. Let go of the past, accept your present, and make sure you can welcome new people and experiences.
Positivity is key in everything, so a good vibe will take you one step further on your path.
2. Build a routine around regularly visiting the same physical places, especially ones where you can spend time and stick around.
Places like a coffee shop, bar, park, or casual lunch place create opportunities to see familiar faces and form connections naturally over time.
There are several advantages to creating a routine around the same familiar places. If your solitude is in part due to social anxiety, returning to the same surroundings helps you gradually feel more comfortable, notice how people interact, and understand the social atmosphere. If you go back to the same place week after week, you won’t feel the pressure to do your best, show your best that one time, because each visit is another opportunity.
3. Stay consistent
Making friends as kids was so easy because we were constantly around other children, and we naturally saw them day after day. So start doing this as an adult: put it on your calendar, schedule weekly coffee meet-ups, go to the movies, or join a book club. If you start committing to these types of events, seeing and meeting people will be easier. And you won’t feel the pressure to be at your best when you see someone new, because there is a big chance you’ll see them very soon again.
4. Make small talk
Small talk helps people connect, and it’s not mandatory to have a very serious discussion. You can talk about the weather, the local news, the surroundings, or basic work details. Just enough to start a conversation. You may come across people who prefer solitude and don’t engage in small talk, but that is not a problem. You aim to be open and talkative, not to be seen in a particular way or control how others see you. We all indeed value our personal space, but that doesn’t mean every interaction is an imposition if you act kindly.
5. Invite your neighbors over
You already share proximity with your neighbors, so it’s easy to ask them for a chill night at your place.
It’s basically one of the simplest ways to create new connections. It’s better to make the invitation specific - day and hour, and if you get one refusal, it’s fine, try again. But after two refusals, it's better to respect their decision and move on.
6. Join activities and groups
Even if you’re not naturally prone to joining things, try to push yourself because this is how you can make new friends as an adult. And nowadays, there are all kinds of groups available for all kinds of interests. Don’t try to look like something you’re not, for example, it’s not ok to join a religious gathering if you do not believe in that faith.
Local organizations or civic groups are great options for starting conversations, even if they feel awkward at first. Participate in local clean-ups, library programs, or charitable running races. As you get to know people better, start inviting them to specific events and put your energy into reaching out rather than stressing over how they’ll respond.
7. Don’t count on just one connection
In the beginning, it’s better not to invest all your time in just one person. It’s true that, as a principle, quality is always more important than quantity, but early on, it’s advisable to work on more than one relationship.
8. Go to bars
Don’t think about expensive places, but rather local, from the neighborhood. Go there during quieter hours and try to make conversation, maybe with basic subjects like the weather, or bring a crossword to make it easier to start a discussion. In a relaxed atmosphere, people are more inclined to talk and make a connection. Although you’ll bump into all kinds of people, these spots are usually filled with regulars and locals, which makes them ideal for building connections in the community.
9. Get into the habit of exchanging contact details early on
You may have many opportunities to meet someone you click with, but have no idea when you will see each other again. Make a habit of asking for their phone number or social media accounts, so meeting again will become easier.
10. Leverage the connection you already have
This advice doesn’t apply if you just moved to a new city/town, but otherwise, meeting new people is usually harder than transforming current connections into friendships.
Here are some people in your life who can turn into your friends:
In the end, making friends comes down to being open and engaged rather than following a set of set-in-stone principles, which can feel frustrating. Even though you may feel uneasy at first, consistently putting yourself out there helps you grow, and it’s far more rewarding to face that discomfort while connecting with others than to avoid it from the start.
Why is it so hard to make friends?
As we get older, it’s increasingly harder to make friends because we layer so many complex emotions on top of unresolved anger from the past. It’s more challenging as an adult to make friends because of the following aspects:
Why are friends important?
Friends are important because they support you when you need it, they ease anxiety and depression, they remind you of your goals, and offer a clear and real perspective when you can’t do that.
They also remind you of your capability, encourage you to keep going, help you enjoy life more, and provide practical assistance when you face challenges.
What are the situations when you run out of friends?
There are some moments in life when you find yourself alone, without any friends at all:
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Related: Questions to know someone
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